Let’s get to know one another a little bit. And what’s a better way to break the ice than a few questions? Actually, just one question.
Have you watched porn?
There is no need to be shy, most of us, if not all of us, have quenched our sexual curiosity one way or the other growing up. Unless you had Sex Ed at your school, in which case this economy has got nothing on you, darling. Daddy most probably got you.
I have had my fair share of experience with ‘adult film’, no judgements here. If any, well, do you! I have discovered a lot of things, not limited to all the different ways you can find your way to the port of Lake Victoria, the different ways to get your fish, and how to enjoy your fish. And yes, I’m not talking about fish. But I have also loved one more thing, how men are imaginary beings.
We were originally hunters and gatherers; our food wasn’t meant to rain down like manna from heaven. We were meant to risk our lives for a dove that was barely enough to feed our family of 10. That’s how nature intended it to be. You might be asking yourself…
What do hunting for doves and porn have in common?
Let me set the scene. This is where all the children go to sleep. Together with anyone with whom it would be awkward to have a sexual conversation. Hey, Mom, please skip to the next paragraph. Now that we are all adults here, minus my mother. Let’s get right into business. It’s one of those Saturday afternoons, you’ve done your Laundry, the utensils are clean, you’ve cleaned the house sparkling clean. You’ve just folded that last item of Laundry. You’ve managed to stay off your phone for the last couple of hours. So you lie on the bed, look around, and feel proud looking at all the hard work you’ve done. As you are looking around, you notice your phone. It’s been feeling neglected. Begging to be held, you two have something in common. You’ve both not been held in a while. You pick it up, and both of you feel reunited like the prodigal son and his father. You check your notifications, and you are looking for something. Something to make you feel someone noticed you’ve been busy in the last couple of hours. Someone surely must have missed you, right?
Wrong.
Not a single soul has noticed your absence. Your hard work. You need to be loved.
Ooh! Mom, keep scrolling. This is not the paragraph.
Suddenly, all that feeling of pride and fulfillment starts to sink. Suddenly, all the hard work doesn’t feel the same. You need a sudden flash of dopamine, some sense of validation at the least. Then you remember. Your favorite site for cheap dopamine. Suddenly, you are hit with those annoying ads. ”Meet lonely singles around your area”. As if to mock you, but somewhat accurate based on your current situation. But you know what you are looking for. So you type in the search bar.
Big black cars…. coz you are a lover of big cars, and you like them black. That’s what gets you off. As a man, you want the car seller to give you a good car review. You want good cinematic shots. Close-ups of the rims, you want the reviewer to talk about the engine capacity. Let them brag about the horsepower, how fast it can go. The comfort of driving the car. They must build anticipation. They must make your mouth water just thinking of your own experience driving the car. By the time they are showing you how it feels to take the car on a drive, you are looking forward to it.
Now, picture a different car reviewer. You open the review, and they are already driving fast on the road. The camera is fixed on the speedometer. You don’t even know what kind of car it is; you know it’s driving fast, but you have no idea whether it has heated seats or not. You have no idea whether it’s a six-speed manual or automatic. There was no anticipation. And yes, I wasn’t talking about cars.
Now, what does all this have to do with rugged jeans?
For a long time, as a man. Shot skirts have been my Kryptonite. But with time, they’ve gotten shorter and shorter that the imagination is almost lost. And for me, and I want to assume for most men. It’s all in the imagination. Remember, we like to hunt and gather our food. So a buffet, no matter how mouth-watering, will not give me the same satisfaction as fighting over a deer against a lion in the wild. A little exaggerated, but you get the point.
So, this is where rugged jeans come flying in like Spider-Man to save the day. And I don’t mean those jeans that make you look homeless. I mean the kind that is almost on the border of the kind that the HR kinda doesn’t know whether to compliment you on a Saturday, or send you back home. Those that are cut just at the right places to trigger your imagination. But not too much to spoil it. The ones that are cut at places where it’s not weird to stare. Actually, in places where most people wouldn’t even consider that seductive. That’s the secret.
It’s like having a set of cat-like eyes on a canvas, and you are told to complete the drawing. You are not sure whether this is a domestic cat, a tiger, a jaguar, a leopard, or a cheetah. It sounds tricky, but the fun is in the challenge.
So I don’t think I can say that I am replacing my short skirts with rugged jeans. But, they are surely giving them a run for their money. So, ladies, please, I know our mouths water at the sight of your buffet. But allow us to hunt and gather our food, just like nature intended.
